For example, if we stand in front of a mirror, are we drawn to all that is right with us?  Some may be able to comment on their sparkling eyes, shiny hair, curves in the right places, good posture.  From my experience of working along side folks at some depth, we seem drawn to naming our flaws, faults, imperfections with ease…. the hair out of place, the extra pound or four that needs worked off at the gym, the slouch and sadly the hideously named ‘bingo wings’ (yes sorry I said it!)

Do we ever look at our body and see the incredible ways our bodies can endure, heal and recover, or the ability it has to produce amazing and beautiful (and a little aggravating) children, to enable us to experience joy, hugs, cream cakes, fresh coffee, a rainbow, refreshing shower.  All this deeply important and groovy stuff about our amazing self seems out of our awareness, swept under the scales of ‘how do we measure up today’ and I want to have a bit of a trantrum and say ‘IT’S JUST NOT FAIR’!

However… some of these lovely people in the know remind me to share with you that… it is not our fault.  Our cave dwelling brains have travelled our rocky road of evolution with us and while our splendidly logical brains have joined the party… it is often the last one to arrive and often at the times where we seem to need it the most.  Our ‘Captain Cavebrain’ still produces desire to hide our clunky and awkard bits about us and instead proudly display our feathers and generally show that we are the swans we were always destined to be, gliding beautifully on the calm waters rather than show the true essence of us which is a bit bedraggled, scruffy feathered and a bit exhausted from paddling like hell to make sure we don’t get caught up in the swamp of life and get drawn towards the murky depths!    You,  me… ‘we’ are conditioned to find the things that are wrong and strive to put them right. 

We all know what happened to the kids at school who didn’t ‘fit’ either through clothes, ability (sports was a cruel way to separate those who could from those who couldn’t) and ones who didn’t have the money to go on the school trips or have the right products in their pack lunch.  Often the focus of ridicule and bullying… a cruel place to learn the laws of the jungle.

Is it any wonder why we end up confused about who we are, who we should be, who we thought we were, who others think we are… is it any wonder why we are drawn to all that we are not instead of all that we are.

The good news… yes there is good news… is that we can work on the ‘fatal attraction’ we seem to have to this way of thinking.  We are able, through tools and techniques to shift our focus from these negative brain pathways  and cultivate the capacity to accept ourselves with kindness and compassion.  We can create new ways of thinking and being through an intention to experience ourselves in a different way, to pick up our responsibility to look after and care for ourselves and demonstrate to ourselves and others that we are not alone in our struggle to accept ourselves and we are able to shift our gaze from a critical eye to an eye that can see us, perhaps how our loved ones and friends see us.  A few moments at a time, can build to a permanent shift in focus.

I quite like my ‘swan moments’ but I equally don’t reject myself for my ‘ugly ducking days’… for they are quite cute in their own scruffy, quirky and unique way.

According to some people in the know… we have around 60,000 thoughts per day.  Most of these are not new to us.  Dare I say, they are part of a mental recycling process.  Round and round they go causing us to be destracted from the moment we are in and we barely notice.  As we swim through our fast flowing lives, bombarding with a wide variety of stimulating triggers our thoughts seem determined to hook us away from the present moment into a further spiral of thoughts.

I have found the observation of my own thought processes offers deep insight into what lies beneath the surface.  Through my mindfulness practice it is becoming apparent that my thoughts have often been my way of avoiding feeling physical and emotional distress and as I become more familiar with sitting with and in the moment… uncovering what lies beneath my thoughts, I find a calmness, a clarity and a connectedness to more aspects of myself.

This new experience brings with it its curiosity, surprise and admittedly, a little fear.  When we ask ourselves “who am I?” Are we really ready for the answers as they reveal themselves?

There are parts of us all, our thoughts, feelings, behaviours, traits and habits we would perhaps rather live without!  We avoid and deny knowledge of these and yet part of self acceptance is bringing out our light and our dark… all of the threads of who we are to weave them into something that becomes our authentic self.

Do we ever get there… that point where we become our “true” self.  In truth, I am not sure.  I find my journey of discovery is and may always be a lifelong excursion.

I only really know one thing for certain… I no longer fear finding out.